


What Wise Men Fear

by wanderingjedihistorian (RangerJedi67)



Series: Playing in the Soft Wars Sandbox [8]
Category: Star Wars Legends: Jedi Apprentice Series - Jude Watson & Dave Wolverton, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obi-Wan's traumatic padawan years, Qui-Gon Jinn Was a Decent Jedi but not a good master, Star Wars AU - Soft Wars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:34:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerJedi67/pseuds/wanderingjedihistorian
Summary: Following a difficult conversation, Obi-Wan pulls away from Cody. Realizing space isn't helping, Cody gets him to talk. The story he is told is full of revelations that make his heart ache.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Series: Playing in the Soft Wars Sandbox [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725601
Comments: 52
Kudos: 494
Collections: Open Source Soft Wars





	What Wise Men Fear

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Fear the Wise Man](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23558722) by [Project0506](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Project0506/pseuds/Project0506). 



> Parts of this idea have been bouncing around in my head since April, when Projie first posted Fear the Wise Man. I valiantly ignored the angst bunny until something that will come up in _Haat, ijaa, haa'it_ put Obi-Wan on the angst path again and suddenly it was all coming together.
> 
> There are two chunks of text in italics in the first section. These are direct quotes, used with permission, from Fear the Wise Man by Project0506. This story happens in the immediate aftermath of that one.
> 
> Many thanks to Evilkillerpoptarts, Shira and Tessadoesthings for betaing this and reassuring me about it.

CWCWCWCWCW

_"You would take him, Vod’alor,” Obi-Wan asks. He’s struggling to keep accusation out of his voice. He doesn’t succeed, but he tries, and Cody loves him. “You would keep him.”_

_“I don’t have to take him,” Cody corrects, soft but firm. “I already have him. I have Rex, so I have Anakin."_

Obi-Wan wished he could be angry about that. But how could he be? He was never Anakin’s first choice. Hells, he never would have even been on Anakin’s list of choices at all. He certainly never let an opportunity pass by to remind Obi-Wan that it had been _Qui-Gon_ that he wanted as his Master. Anakin settled for him because he had no other choice for a teacher. But he had always looked for ways to replace Obi-Wan where he could. First Palpatine. Now Rex. 

But still. It had _hurt_ to hear Cody say it so bluntly. To have it thrown in his face how readily Anakin would choose someone else. Even when he _knew_ Rex was better for Anakin than he could ever be, knew that Rex would have been better for him all along.

_ “When we go,” he says, because it hasn’t been an if in a very long time, “I will ask you to walk with us. Once we go, I will ask him if he’d like to walk back.”  _

_ It’s a subtle difference, but crucial. Cody would gladly add a room to his house for Obi-Wan. Cody will build his house with a room for Anakin already included in the design.  _

And isn’t that the repeating story of Obi-Wan’s life? He’s always an addition. Never an original part of the plan.

Cody said he loves him. Obi-Wan wished he could believe it. 

He had never been anyone’s first choice. He was never  _ wanted. _ Not truly. Not for  _ himself  _ anyway. Why would that suddenly change?

Cody said he would ask Obi-Wan to walk with them when they left. But would he really? If Obi-Wan kept disappointing him so? If Obi-Wan let  _ him  _ down like he’d let so many others down? Would Cody truly still want him? 

It was highly unlikely.

Obi-Wan had never been anyone’s first choice. He was never good enough. He had always been easily dismissed and discarded. 

Qui-Gon hadn’t wanted him, had denied him repeatedly. Even when the Force itself created their bond, Qui-Gon hadn’t wanted him. Only after he had offered to sacrifice himself, offered to  _ die  _ so Qui-Gon could complete his mission and protect the people of Bandomeer did Qui-Gon take him as his apprentice. Only then had he proved himself worthy. And it hadn’t taken the Master long to doubt him.

Melida/Daan was a wound that would never truly heal. He couldn’t regret choosing to help  _ children  _ who were trapped in a war. But he did regret how it shook the Order’s faith in him. He regretted the trust it cost him. He regretted the rift it caused with Qui-Gon.

He had tried to work harder, be better, after that.

But it was never enough.

_ He  _ was never enough.

Qui-Gon made that clear when they found Anakin, with how readily he was willing to cast Obi-Wan aside. 

And then he died and with his dying breath he made Obi-Wan promise to train Anakin.

He had _tried._ Force, he had _tried_ to be a good Master. But he realized how horrifically he had failed. How badly he continued to fail Anakin even now.

Obi-Wan Kenobi. Always a failure no matter how hard he tried.

Maybe it was a good thing he hadn’t been given another Padawan when he asked for one. He probably would have just failed them too.

It would break his heart, but maybe he needed to end whatever this was that had been building between himself and Cody. It would spare him some heartache at least.

Because if he went with them in the end, Cody would make a place for him. But would it be as solid as the places built into the design from the start? He highly doubted it.

So in the end? He would lose them all. There was no place for him in the lives they would build.

And he had no one to blame but himself for his continued failures.

CWCWCWCWCW

Obi-Wan pulled away. He told himself this was better. It would hurt him less in the end and it would be one fewer complication for Cody. He would be fine. He always was.

He stopped taking meals with his men. He declined all offers of spending downtime with them. Pulling away hurt more than he had expected. He hadn’t realized how deeply ingrained in his life they had become. But he had to do this. Some pain now to spare himself worse pain later. He also told himself it would be easier on the men in the end if he distanced himself now. He could still be their General.

He hoped.

Cody was the hardest, as expected. He talked only about business with his Commander. He avoided being alone with him as much as possible. He ignored the searching looks the other sent him, pretending to be buried in Council business. He avoided discussing their private life.

It hurt to let this go.

But he would be fine.

He had to be.

CWCWCWCWCW

It took Cody nearly a tenday to realize just how  _ far  _ into himself Obi-Wan had pulled. At first, he thought it was just that Obi-Wan needed time away from  _ him.  _ It hurt, but after that conversation he could understand that his beloved Jedi needed space. It was only when the time stretched well into the second week and he realized just how little he had seen the other man  _ at all  _ that he began to worry.

The Commander checked with his men. Their General had declined multiple offers of sitting with the men in the mess hall at meal times, instead grabbing a ration bar and immediately returning to his office. He hadn’t been seen in the gym in days. He had been polite but distant with all of them in ways he hadn’t been even in the beginning. He had even declined when Wooley offered to prepare him a cup of tea. Obi-Wan  _ never  _ refused that. He knew how much the men enjoyed being trusted enough to do little things like that for him.

When they were going into their third week like this, Cody knew he had to do something. He waited until he knew Obi-Wan was in his quarters. They had to talk.

Cody waited until he was invited in, though he could tell the invitation was reluctantly given.

“Are you alright?” Cody asked quietly.

“I am quite alright, Commander. I apologize if I have given anyone reason to doubt that. I simply realized that my actions have been unprofessional and needed to change. Do give my apologies to the men. They have done nothing wrong. This is all about my own failings,” Obi-Wan said, tone perfectly polite and utterly without personality.

Cody felt sick. This wasn’t what he wanted.

“Why?”

Obi-Wan’s face clouded with pain for the briefest of moments.

“It’s for the best.”

“No. It isn’t,” Cody argued.

“I’ve realized it was an error in judgment to allow myself to get so close to you, to all of you. It was wrong to act on my feelings for you given the situation,” Obi-Wan explained.

What. The. Hell.

“The situation?” Cody asked.

“I’m your superior. And you went straight from training on Kamino to fighting a war. You’ve not had the chance to live,” Obi-Wan replied.

Cody was trying not to get angry at the implication there.

“So you’re saying I don’t know my own mind?” he demanded.

Obi-Wan was frustrated. That wasn’t his point  _ at all. _

“I’m saying that you have had no chance to experience the galaxy. To experience  _ life.  _ Feelings change as experience is gained. Once you are free, once you have the chance to truly  _ live _ ...you’ll understand. You’ll realize what I have come to see,” the Jedi said softly, sadly. “You’ll see that I have no place in the future you want. And it will hurt both of us less if we stop this now.”

“How can you be so sure?” Cody asked.

He would not accept that. Not without a fight.

“You want me to be something, someone, that I cannot be,” Obi-Wan said quietly.

Cody went still.

He denied that utterly. “I want you to be yourself.”

“Several days ago, ‘myself’ was objectionable.”

The clone cursed.

“No. The  _ decision you made  _ was objectionable. There’s a difference, Obi-Wan!”

“Is there? Am I not just the sum of my decisions?” the Jedi inquired.

“Obi-Wan. You are more than just this decision. And I’m not giving up on you because of it. I don’t agree with the decision you made, but I concede they put you in a terrible position and Vos made it worse by his behavior. If I thought you made the choice you did out of maliciousness, we’d be having a very, very different conversation. It was a  _ mistake.  _ A mistake made because you didn’t think you had a choice and you aren’t used to having support. I would hope, in the future, you would remember that you aren’t alone and that there are those of us who care about you, who  _ love you,  _ who love  _ both of you,  _ who would help if you gave us the chance!” Cody said adamantly.

Obi-Wan looked away. He wanted, oh how he  _ wanted,  _ that to be true. Especially with Cody. But it was too dangerous to rely on support because it wasn’t always going to be there.

Cody moved close and offered his hand, but he did not touch. This had to be Obi-Wan’s choice. He tried not to be disappointed when the other man didn’t take his hand.

“Why won’t you believe me?” He asked quietly.

The Jedi took a deep, shuddery breath.

“It’s not you,” He admitted quietly. “You’ve always had your brothers. I can’t say the same. Creche clans encourage friendships and teamwork to a point, but we are all routinely made aware that ultimately we are on our own. You’ll find many Jedi struggle to ask for help because help usually wasn’t something that would be available to us if things went wrong in the field.”

That was something Cody had heard before, but he knew this was something more.

“That’s not all,” He prodded gently.

Obi-Wan swallowed heavily. If he was going to lose Cody, it may as well be over being honest. He wondered if they’d still be able to work together or if he’d lose that too.

“I need tea,” He said before busying himself making a cup for himself and some caf for Cody. 

This was going to be a long conversation. They may as well be a little more comfortable. They sat down at the desk.

“You’ve heard Anakin call me ‘the Perfect Jedi’, I’m sure. I am so very very far from that, Cody. No matter how hard I’ve worked,” He began.

Slowly the words began to flow. He told Cody everything. He told him about his troubles as an Initiate. He told him about being sent away before his thirteenth birthday. He told him about Qui-Gon and the repeated rejections and Bandomeer and the Agricorp. He told him about Xanatos. About Melida/Daan, and Master Tahl’s injuries there. Obi-Wan had just started speaking of his decision to stay when he felt the spike of pure  _ rage  _ come from Cody.

“Jinn abandoned you in a warzone?” The clone demanded harshly.

“I made the choice to stay,” the Jedi countered.

“You were thirteen years old and that  _ bastard abandoned you.  _ Because you weren’t willing to abandon other children. That is unforgivable,” Cody snarled. He paused. “Does Anakin know about this?”

It was Obi-Wan’s turn to pause.

“No. He only has good memories of Qui-Gon. I wasn’t going to ruin that for him by telling him things he didn’t need to know. Let him remember Qui-Gon as the man who freed him from slavery and gave him the chance to be a Jedi,” He said softly.

Cody’s face said everything about how he felt about  _ that.  _ He clenched his fists and tried to breathe out the rage he felt.

“I assume there’s more to this tale?” the clone ground out a moment later.

Well, in for a credit and all. Obi-Wan explained how the situation on Melida/Daan ended and about his probation afterwards (they both ignored the second spike of rage) and how he had worked so hard to regain the trust lost.

“I have a lot to say about all of this, but I have the feeling you aren’t ready to listen to it,” Cody said when Obi-Wan paused his story.

“It was a long time ago, Cody,” Obi-Wan protested.

“It was traumatic and from the sounds of things they never helped you deal with it,” the clone countered.

“I’ve managed,” the Jedi assured.

“It gets worse, doesn’t it?” Cody asked hesitantly.

Obi-Wan frowned.

“I suppose it depends what you mean by worse.”

That was not reassuring.

“Tell me everything about when you met Anakin.”

The way his Jedi tensed said everything. Cody wondered if he should be worrying about his own blood pressure.

“Qui-Gon and I were dispatched to Naboo following the Trade Federation’s invasion…” Obi-Wan began.

Cody stayed quiet through most of the tale, even though he frowned heavily a few times. But Obi-Wan was fairly certain every Force sensitive within two days of hyperspace travel felt Cody’s blistering rage when he reached the part of the story where Qui-Gon tried to claim Anakin as his Padawan. 

“He had abandoned you once and tried to do it a second time!” Cody snarled angrily. “And yet you never told Anakin the truth about the sort of man he was!”

“Qui-Gon was a good man. A good Jedi. He just...wasn’t always the best of masters. But it was  _ fine.  _ I was ready for the trials,” Obi-Wan argued.

He knew Cody would like the next part even less, so he rushed through the remainder of the story.

“No wonder you can’t trust me when I tell you I’m here for you. Every person that should have been there for you failed you instead. And they usually managed to convince you it was  _ your fault _ ,” Cody said, voice full of pain. “You deserved better. And Anakin deserved the truth about Jinn. Hells,  _ Jinn  _ deserved for Anakin to know the truth.”

The clone wasn’t even sure how to start processing that Jinn used his dying breath to demand Obi-Wan train Anakin. It was so cold and wrong .

“The memories of Qui-Gon have always been a comfort to Anakin. I refuse to take them from him,” Obi-Wan said fiercely.

“Obi-Wan,” Cody said gently. “What about what  _ you  _ deserve?”

The Jedi blinked in confusion.

“What about me? I admit, much of that was  _ difficult,  _ but I’m fine.”

Cody’s heart ached because it was so clear Obi-Wan actually believed that.

“I love you,” Cody said.

Obi-Wan made a pained sound.

“I love you. And I will say it over and over until you let yourself believe it,” Cody said firmly. “I mean it, Obi-Wan. I love you and no experience I could have in this life will change that.”

“You can’t be sure of that,” Obi-Wan whispered softly.

“Yes, I can,” Cody said, voice strong with conviction. “Let me prove it.”

He rose from his chair and rounded the desk. He held his hand out once more. For a long moment he feared it would be rejected once more. But finally, slowly, so slowly, Obi-Wan reached out. Cody took the reaching hand in his and gently encouraged Obi-Wan to his feet. Once the Jedi was standing, he gently pulled him close and slipped his arms around him. Cody then carefully brought their foreheads together.

“I love you,” Cody said again. “I hope that someday you’ll let yourself believe it.”

Obi-Wan’s only reply was to tightly clutch at his shoulders and press just a little closer.

For now, it was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone not familiar, the things referenced from Obi-Wan's padawan years are from the Jedi Apprentice series.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Urmankar'la Haat'mitir](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26504470) by [wanderingjedihistorian (RangerJedi67)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerJedi67/pseuds/wanderingjedihistorian)




End file.
